Our bed has been cold of late. I mean very cold, ice burg cold. We just can’t seem to get it together in regards to sex. We’ve even stopped touching while we slept. Actually that happened years ago, but now without the sex it seems the inches of sheets between us has turned to miles.
It’s not our age, we’re both in our late twenties. It doesn’t have anything to do with both of us letting ourselves go in in the two years we’ve been married. Well, no, that’s bullshit. I’ve lost a little bit more hair and we both know that doesn’t get better with time. Her legs are like a Thomas Guide since Conner was born. I didn’t know that could happen in such a short while.
But something has to change people, something. In our pre-marriage years we were hot and heavy. We would have sex anywhere we could get privacy, though that wasn’t always a requirement. One time we had sex on a plane and kept the door unlocked so the little sign said Vacant, the thought of someone walking in while my wife had me in her mouth made us incredibly horny. I remember after it was all over and everything was being flushed into the toilet, my wife said, “Well, there certainly is a snake on this plane.” A reference to an extremely awful movie we saw on our first date.
We’ve tried everything. I tried tying her up to the bedposts with scarves, but the knots kept coming undone, all my Boy Scout training down the drain. She tried tying me up, but she made the knots too tight and my hands turned purple. She had to cut me free with scissors, ruining forever a couple of Hermes scarves.
I asked her to dress up like a cheerleader and she made me feel like a pervert. Said she had no idea she married a pedophile. She asked me if I wanted a dildo shoved up my ass while I had sex with her, and I reminded her quite crudely that I wasn’t some closet homosexual.
We read Fifty Shades of Gray together and it just made me depressed that I wasn’t a billionaire at the age of twenty-eight. Nothing makes me lose an erection faster than feeling like a pauper.
Is this it, people? Is this how life is going to be after two years of marriage? Sexless, unsatisfying, and frigid.
At this exact moment, my wife is asking one of her friends, the one I’ve secretly lusted for since I met her, to come over and join us for a threesome. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I might just steal away into the night and become a monk. Poor Conner would be without a dad, but what kind of a dad would I be if I can’t make it happen in the bedroom with my own wife.
Shit, what if she leaves me first?