night talking

Last night, I was shouting in a dream I had. I did not awakened to my own shouts, as sometimes happens, but my daughter told me. She told me what I had shouted. And then she asked why.

"Why did you shout, 'Shut Up! Let me finish!'?"

How could I have told her that there were a thousand reasons, from the unfinished thoughts in my childhood, to the desperate pleas for a blessing in my early adulthood, to the ignored and interrupted emotions of middle age? How could I have told her that I had been longing for someone to listen - just listen - for so many of my forty years? I had made a promise to be different with her, to see her, to hear her. Even if I was shocked or disappointed or did not agree, I would sit on my hands and bite my tongue and......pay attention.

I would do that so that she would never rouse herself at 3 am crying for someone to be quiet. So that she would never be tired in the morning because she chased a faceless figure through the night, begging them to hear her. So that she would not punch her pillow, and at times - accidentally - a bed mate, in a dream about the anger of not being heard. So that her daughter would never ask her why she had been so angry in her sleep the night before, and she would never have to decide which of the reasons to give.

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Comment by Laurie on February 18, 2012 at 5:53pm: Thank you Kerry for the wonderful encouragement.

Comment by Kerry Logan on February 18, 2012 at 5:37pm: Laurie, large warm hug of understanding. The other night I was dreaming about visiting my friends and they lived in this naturalistic mansion. All I could think about is the labor and mining, industry that went into making this place all the while playing nice with them. Which really meant just nodding my head and agreeing on how nice the place was. One of my friend, who is a great talker would.not.shut.up. She has a tendency not to think the best of people and be quite negative. She wasn't taking any hints that my head was full to bursting. Finally I snapped "Shut up, already!" and woke myself up. Then I realized it was the gentle snoring of my lover in my ear as he was curled up behind me. I laughed and ended up waking him up too.

I hop you find some good peoples to let some of the things you need to say out into the air. At least, keep writing and we will keep listening.

Comment by Travis Smith on February 17, 2012 at 12:33pm: You capture several sides of her emotion in this really well - the wanting of her youth, the anger, and the love for her daughter.