I brought a shovel.  The handle was wooden, it's surface shined with hard work.  It had a nice balance point, felt familiar in my hand, swinging as I walked into the coolness of the forest.  Like an old friend.  

It hadn't been a great week- bad news, anxiety, tears.   Last night the family gathered together and were closer than ever.  Laughter, tears, memories.  A lot of staring into each other's eyes and experiencing the true warmth of love before looking away, chins falling against chests.  As always I tried to lift our spirits with jokes, but there was no clear perspective to embrace. Not for anyone.  But 'A's all around for effort.

The leaves are still hanging on, but most of them are eroding into soil, slowly feeding the mother trees.  The cycle of life so visible around me. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes never carried any of the wonder and joy of life for me.  Not like the woods and forests. Through the recycling leaves small green sprouts pop into the world, into my sight until I can see only them.  It is a comfort. It is a gift.  

Up ahead I saw my tree, our tree.  I don't even remember how that happened, how that tree became our tree.  I don't think we ever stood beside it without holding each other. Sharing our deepest feelings, maybe not with words, but always with love.  It was the perfect place on a perfect day.

I dug on the sunny side, created a hollow of sorts.  While the soil built up around it, the leaves fell or blew back into the hole.  To soften it. Like a resting place. Like a bed in the forrest.

I leaned the shovel against the tree and sat on the edge of the trough I had dug and looked up at the sliver of sky, a beautiful blue.   I looked at the trees around me, smelled the beautiful smell of the woods, taking in the earth and sky in all its beauty and wonder.  I'm starting to feel tired. Slipping onto the rich bed of leaves, sinking, settling into it, becoming one with everything around me. Becoming part of the cycle of life.

And feeling at peace. I know this is right and true, that life will go on and in some way, so will I.  I close my eyes and wait for death to take me.